Inconsolable

Molly just finished an incredible 10 minute screaming fit. I’m not certain how she found the time to breathe — maybe she’s already mastered the circular breathing technique popular with singers and wind-instrument musicians.

Nothing would soothe her: not a changed diaper, not a second changed diaper, not my thumb (to suck on, of course), nothing.

It was almost as if she’d just discovered there was a Republican in the White House.

Parenthood, Week One: What I Have Learned

Here are ten things that childbirth and new parenting have taught me this week:

1. There is no better lesson in humility than being buck naked and surrounded by mostly strangers as they watch a small critter work its way through out of your most private girly bits.

2. To be humbled is to become a parent when you have no previous experience with infants.

3. New baby smell is a hundred times better than new car smell. Except for the whole diaper thing…

4. Breasts actually have a purpose greater than attracting and entertaining members of the opposite sex.

5. Modesty has no place in breastfeeding. Especially when other women are squeezing your breasts in order to help you figure out how exactly to use them for that purpose.

6. Nothing boosts the self-esteem like the weight loss post-pregnancy, especially in large quantities (ex. I just lost 30 lbs in a week.) That is, of course, until you realize that you still have nearly 30 more to go. Yikes!

7. A newborn infant’s cry is to sound what lasers are to light.

8. A man crossing the Sahara on foot still knows not the thirst of the nursing woman.

9. A well-fed infant resembles either a miniature stoner or a drunken one-eyed pirate.

10. All babies are heart-breakingly beautiful. Especially mine.

The Zen of Poop

Just a quick update to the last post: a few moments ago, Molly completely filled her diaper. Filled, as in no more room for anything else. So does this mean that Fathers Merrin and Karras were at work expelling Satan from Molly’s rectum? I’ve no idea, but it’ll give me something to think about tonight.